This Week is Lacking Sleep

ただいま！난 지금 집에 있어. 我今天回家了.

1. What did you do on Monday? Korean final and then went back to the dorm to finish my essay
1. What did you do on Tuesday? Rewrote 2 paragraphs of my essay and had a pizza party
1. What did you do on Wednesday? Edited my essay with Jason for 10 hours
1. What did you do on Thursday? Studied timeline terms, edited my essay, and took my cluster final
1. What are you going to do today? Flew home

A finals week of a 1st year UCLA student. But really, I wonder if that’s much different than the weeks of other students. Dudee, I’m so tired though I just want to sleep. I haven’t been sleeping much at all this past week and I don’t know why. I’ve become a really light sleeper for some reason, and of course I didn’t alter my habits of sleeping really late either. This drama I’m watching is making me really tired too, I don’t know why. I mean, I know it’s not that interesting and movies make me tired, but usually I don’t get this tired as long as I’m in front of the computer, especially this early into the night.

I don’t know how it feels to be home. The same, I guesss. Nothing all that special, I don’t know. I don’t want to drive around though. I don’t really want to drive at all – how annoying. And it’s annoying because people will expect me to drive 근데 시도, したなくない. I don’t know. I was talking about this to the guy I met on the plane, but I feel like after your first year in college, you really just hang out with the people from before who you actually want to keep in touch with. Right now, everyone is all excited to be back home from college and is trying to organize this and that and get together, and I feel like I’ve skipped that step, or like I just never really had any desire to be in that place. So I’m sitting here watching everyone organizing get togethers and honestly thinking to myself, “Why are these people contacting me? It’s not like we were even really that great friends.” I don’t know. I guess I never really saw the point in making an effort for people who, ultimately, don’t even really matter. Ouch, but whatever.

It feels so lame but all I really want to do is sleep x_x;; 아이구 아이구~ 나 간다. 잘자~~~ お休み～
(Should I concentrate in Korea or Japan? I really don’t know what to do anymore.)

Hypocrites and A Quality Papers

People are very hypocritical. They’ll expect one thing from you but then do the opposite to you. It doesn’t really affect me much in this case but it’s still kind of annoying. Or maybe I just tend to expect too much from people, I don’t know. I think I’ve written about expecting too much from people before, somewhere back in my however many years of history of blogging. Oh well. I can’t believe I actually remember that.

So now I’m just trying to do everything I need to get done before our pizza party tonight, and mainly, before I can actually watch an episode of the drama I want to watch, hah. Mainly it’s just the timeline standing in my way, since I’ve already rewritten 1 1/2 paragraphs of my essay to make it better. I think I just need someone to read it at this point to check if the content’s okay first, before I can go plunging on into the organizational, grammar, sentence structure kind of stuff. I woke up this morning and realized that I really only have today and tomorrow to make it a perfect, A quality paper (which is impossible with my TA anyways) so I better get to it.

Goddamn college is such a slave driver. Will winter break just come already?

Friends and Lonerism

I keep saying in my head that there is no one here, I am the only one left on campus, it’s so quiet, but really, I think it’s all just in my head. I’ve been in my room alone so many times, but it’s completely different knowing that no one’s going to be back anytime soon. I don’t know. It’s weird and I don’t like it. I actually managed to convince myself that basically everyone had returned home, but then when I went outside for dinner, there are still so many lights on in dorm rooms, people walking around, and De Neve is bustling with lively activity. It’s all my mentality, I know, but I can’t help it, I still feel so alone.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year, or maybe reaching all the way back into my high school years, it’s that I hate being alone. I’ve made a lot of great friends at college – it’s so easy to become close to people fast – and I know it’s bad but it makes me feel like a ton of my friends back home aren’t much of friends at all. I mean, of course, there’s my super close friends that I’ll always have, but the people who you thought you would keep in touch with but never really did, the people who only contacted you when they needed something in specific, the people who made excuses to sign off instead of talking to you, the people who never made much of an effort to keep in touch… are those people really even your friends?

Maybe it’s only in the context of being in juxtaposition with the close friends that I’ve made in college when I can finally see all of this clearly. Or perhaps I already knew it, but also knew that disclaiming them as my friends would make me essentially a loner that prevented me from doing so.

I don’t really know but either way, the music I was just listening to (I had to change it) was really killing my mood and really hindered me from thinking clearly, it was so obnoxious.

Scheduling and Whatnot

I’m being demanded to post, but I have no idea what to talk about. I’m pretty on top of things as of late, if I do say so myself. No school tomorrow is nice too. I wanted to go to Six Flags tomorrow since Jake’s floor is going, but I have my math midterm on Wednesday and figured that I should probably make studying for that my priority instead. Lame, I know, but whatever. There will be other chances. I found out early this morning (read: 3am) that I passed out of English Composition 3, which is good, and I have this suspicion that the results from that test have been up there for a while but I just didn’t notice. I’m stupid – it happens, haha. It’s good though. After I took that test, I figured that either one of two things could have happened: I had just written a brilliant essay once again (I’m so humble, I realize) or I had completely bombed that essay and the person who wrote the article they assigned us to analyze and write an essay about was one of the essay readers and would hate me for what I said in my essay. I didn’t even really write on topic, to be honest. I esentially twisted the prompt to make it something that I felt like writing about, not something that the readers had really asked me for. I tend to do that, I realized. I always have to make my essays different, relate them to a bigger picture of something else, take the topic and put it into a completely different context. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing, but I guess this time at least, it worked.

So yeah. Long story short, I don’t have to take English Composition 3 next quarter and my schedule won’t be all screwed up. Plus, I have a higher guarentee that I’ll get the schedule that I want so it’ll look all nice and pretty. I was thinking about taking four classes next quarter, but nothing really fits with my schedule either. With the lecture times of both my Korean and GE Cluster classes, pretty much no other class is available (other than my 8am Econ 41 class -_-).

아아아~~ 추다. It’s easy to get close fast to people in college. I’m closer to people I’ve known for seven weeks than I am with people I’ve gotten to know over the last four years. It’s kind of nice though. I like that aspect of college. I feel like I should be getting more involved though. Doing more. Joining more. My excuse is that I eventually will, I just need to get my grades up for this quarter… which is kind of true, I know, but a part of me is just damn tired of waiting for myself to get past my excuses and actually start doing stuff. We’ll see how that goes.

Well. I also wrote this entry to procrastinate starting my essay, of which the outline and first two paragraphs are due this Friday. I swear, the work never stops, especially if you take GE Clusters. Thank God I don’t have to take Eng Comp 3 next quarter Maybe I should go work on that essay though… T_T

Holding Back

The more I think about it, and you, the more pissed off I get. I try to stop myself from having these thoughts, from thinking this way, but it’s so damn hard because there’s so much about it and about you that goes against my core values that define me as a person, that it’s just something I can’t continue to push aside and ignore.

I don’t really know what to do about it either, because in the same way that my core values define me, the traits in you that piss me off are what make up you, and I’m trying to understand that and be more open to it but it’s so damn hard sometimes because seeing you, or anyone, acting this way is like yanking incessantly at my last strand of self-restraint, making me cling to my tongue and wind myself and my opinions back inwards, grind my teeth and bear it because I am not you, and I cannot define you, no matter how much I wish I could help in doing so.

For the Sake of My Sanity

I’ve been really testy lately, really grouchy, like this past week. I just keep getting annoyed with everyone and everything and it’s really weird because some of the people I thought I wouldn’t get tired of I am, and the people who I thought would get on my nerves first once I reached this mood aren’t really bothering me at all. I always feel even shittier afterwards, when I realize that what I just said was supremely bitchy, but I can never really get myself to stop either, because I really am genuinely annoyed and frustrated. I don’t know. Ugh. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like going anywhere or being with anyone but yay sucks for me cuz I don’t have a single. I just need to lock myself up in a room or something and get over whatever this is. I mean, I knew it was bound to happen. Maybe it’s just a lack of sleep. Maybe I just need some time to decompress, away from everyone else, and some people just don’t seem to freaking get it. I think that’s another point that just insists on driving me even further to my insanity. That some people just don’t GET that I can’t see a person every fucking day of my life and not get tired or pissed at them. I just can’t. Unless they’re family, in which case I’m comfortable with just telling them how it is and saying, “Stop that, you’re fucking annoying me” or whatever. I don’t know. It’s just a thousand times easier and it’s driving me insane because I just need to be alone. Please. For a day. Or two. So maybe Jake and Adam’s Life Sciences professor was right, about how we wouldn’t usually be nice to anyone we didn’t know unless we were somehow related to them…

Hm. I miss my family. Good thing they’re coming down tomorrow

And the List Goes On

In order to ensure my sanity for the next week or so, or maybe just today since I’m feeling extremely stressed, I need to make a to-do list of all the things I have to do. I can’t believe that I’m leaving for France in less than 1 week – so insane. I can never manage to wrap my head around these things. Even once I land there, it still probably won’t really hit me. I have so much to do though. I’m suddenly really stressed, or maybe I’m feeling this way because I only got 5.5 hours of sleep last night and am exhausted. That’s not the mention the many times I’ve stayed up till 4/5 for the past week. Gah. Stupid. I did this prom night too, and was dead tired the next day. Thus, I’m extremely cranky right now. I seriously canNOT interact with anyone for a few hours now, cuz every time I hear my parents talking to me or my brother making some kind of annoying brother noise, I flip out. GAH. GAH. I CAN’T STANDDD THISSS and it’s not even like I can just go back to sleep either cuz I’ve tried and I am so SO… *breathe* Okay. List.

To-do before Paris:
[x] Pack for Paris (06/27)
[/] Buy a birthday gift for Christine (this might not get done)
[ ] Pack desk stuff (yes I’m separating these so I can later feel accomplished)
[x] Sort through shoes (06/22)
[x] Sort through clothes (06/22)
[ ] Pack stuff in bedroom
[ ] Pack remaining clothes
[ ] Pack everything else (you’d be surprised)
[x] Take TKD picture (06/22)
[x] Print TKD picture (06/22)
[ ] Send transcripts from COM
[x] Send stuff for BruinCard (06/22)
[x] Buy games for iPod (06/27)
[x] Download songs for iPod (06/24)
[x] Pack carry on bag (06/27)
[x] Find a notebook for classes (06/25)
[x] Find cell phone charger (08/27)
[x] Buy gift for host family! (06/25)
[x] Take AlcoholEdu class (06/19)
[x] Submit Hepatitis B thing (06/19)
[x] Send HS transcript (06/22)
[x] Buy Victoria’s Secrets goodies (06/25)
[x] Select photos to print for college (08/27)
[x] Print photos for college (08/27)
[x] Buy UCLA Den Pack (07/03)
[x] Pay UCLA Housing Fee (07/07)

To-do before College:
[x] Buy bed stuff (08/27)
[ ] Figure out how to decorate my room
[x] Buy laptop (07/31)
[x] Figure out classes to take (07/07)
[x] Figure out possible extra major (07/07)
[ ] Separate stuff I want to bring
[x] Buy desk lamp (09/01)

There’s probably a ton more to do before I go to college, and probably things I left out for before I go to Paris too, but this is all I can think of for now, and you bet you I’ll be coming back to update this with progress. Maybe I’ll even add in dates when I check things off, just for shits and giggles. Ya know.

A Sad Excuse of an Update

I realize I haven’t written here for a while. I’m not sure why, but my life always seems to work out that way. I get into a relationship and then, even though there are probably things to say, and still time to update, and still that little reminder in my head to update every so often, I never get around to actually doing it. I mean, I have even sat down here, opened the window, and attempted to write something, but always end up scrapping it. It’s weird. I have no idea why I do that.

But anyways. Bottom line is, I’m updating now. I’m not really sure why, or what the point is, but I’m here. So I finally figured out how to check my text message status online. Jin showed me a while ago, but I couldn’t actually find it until just like… a few minutes ago and FUCK I am so screwed I wish they had rollover texts or something. I feel really bad too. Apparently the cost of text messages has increased from $0.10 to $0.20, and since I’ve gone over (……….. 302/200 as of 2:30pm, so add a few more to that too…) that’s about $21 we’re looking at, basically. I feel really bad. I feel like I should pay my parents even though they wouldn’t make me, and even though it’s really their money that I’m paying them, but still. Gah. Please no one text me until 06/03/08. Why didn’t I figure this out sooner? Why do people send me pointless text messages?! Why do I send people text messages?! Why do we send text messages at all?! Why don’t we just pick up the damn phone and call each other?! UGHHHHHHHHH I’m so stupid

I FOUND MY JOURNAL!!!!!!!! AS IN, I JUST FOUND IT AND I AM SOOOOO DAMN EXCITED OMGGGGGGGG THANKKK GOODDDDDDDDDDD I was going insane and I just don’t know what I would have done if I never found it. I mean, it’s true, where could it have gone, but still, I was really worried, because although I’ve lost practically everything in the span of my lifetime, I have never once lost ANY of my journals for good, at least since I started keeping them in forth grade. So to lose my journal now… god, I think I would just die. I mean, not die, but I kind of would in a way… it’s kind of like losing a huge huge part of me… I realize that I’m sounding pretty lame right now… oh well, it’s not like many people I know read this anyways, haha. Anyways, the bottom line is, I’m really happy and relieved and every other positive emotion that I found it!

I don’t really have anything else to say (hence, the title of this entry, hahaha, which I chose before I even began it). I really want to find some more things to read. Fictionpress again, but the thing is that I can’t like… I don’t know. Last two stories I read on fp just dragged and dragged and dragged, even though there was nothing really wrong with them to begin with. I’m actually still technically on the epilogue of one of them, and I’ve been stuck there for the past month or so, it’s kind of ridiculous. I need something fresh, something quirky, something addicting. Feel free to comment with any suggestions, or book recommendations too!

And here’s just something funny that I noticed today, for Christine’s entertainment. This is a screencap of my recent sent emails:

Uh oh. Now this entry is going to look unbalanced, if I don’t write something underneath the image as well (I am weird like that). I’m trying to get my pictures from my phone onto my computer via bluetooth, but the bluetooth on my phone must be dysfunctional, because it’s not detecting ANY devices, and my computer is not detecting my phone at all. But it’s really annoying because my picture memory on my phone is now full, and plus, I have some cute pictures on my phone Hehe. Ughhhh PLUS, my phone does not have a micro SD card, nor does it have a slot to use a wire to connect it to my computer. I absolutely hateeee my phone. I mean, not absolutely, like I still love the smooth keypad, and the face that it’s a flip phone, and that I can take pictures with the phone closed, but other than that… yeah…

I can’t believe that June is almost here. I can’t believe that high school is almost over. I can’t believe that I’m graduating in two weeks, and that I’m going to Paris is one month, and that I’m going to college in four months. God… it’s all so weird… and sad. I hate goodbyes. I hate ends. I hate letting go. It was always the hardest part for me… still is. I don’t know if I’ve ever fully let go of anything… (weird cryptic statement that has potential to be over analyzed, but I wouldn’t recommend it because as I begin to over analyze it, like I do with everything else, I myself am questioning its validity).

Senior Prom (Ball?) 2008

Goddd Safari sucks, Firefox sucks, MACS SUCK. I’m getting a new laptop as soon as I figure out what I want to get. Any tech-savy people want to help me out? I can figure out how to do things on my own just fine, but when it comes to all that technical stuff like researching computers and what not, that’s not really my forte.

Anyways, senior prom was lotss of fun! I’m uploading the pictures now onto photobucket, even though Britney already uploaded them onto Facebook from her computer… since mine makes you upload them individually, one by one… BECAUSE MACS SUCK. Real. I’m switching back to Firefox 2, because nothing seems to work on their Beta 3. Umm soooo I was 40 minutes late to Britney’s house! But apparently Olivia arrived like 5 min before I did, and Amir was late too, but still. Haha. I was running late initially because I had to drive Joanne home and there was hella traffic in Tiburon since all these cars were turning onto this one street and it was pretty lame and I was pissed. Because if I had gone 5 min later, all the traffic would have been gone, but instead, I caught it coming both ways. Then my plan was to pick up Jin’s boutinere on the way back from dropping Joanne off, but I forgot my wallet! Stupid. So I went home. And got to Safeway around like… 5:20? Haha. And the freaking person was on BREAK. I have the worst luck ever. So then I see this guy walking up in a suit and I’m like, dude. Prom. And then he comes closer, hangs up his cell phone, and we start talking, and then I’m like… holy shit. Are you Roy Lang? Yeah. It was pretty crazy.

Sooo thennn I finally got to Britney’s, as I said, late. Took picturess, and then the limo called me and said he just got into an accident! So Britney and I were like …….. holy shit. But it was a small accident, and so he just exchanged information with the guy, and then came. Since he was pretty close when he got into the accident. We had to call in to the restaurant though, saying we’d be 15-20 min late, even though we ended up being 30 min late. On the way to the restaurant though, this other restaurant who I made reservations with and then cancelled called me saying “Where are you?” And I was like I cancelled the reservations like a million years ago what are you talking about. And then they started saying how they were going to charge me since I didn’t cancel, so I got annoyed and was like, “You can’t charge me. I DID cancel.” Good thing they didn’t press it. I would have actually gotten pissed.

Dinner was good. Except I ate like… maybe half of my dinner T_T It was too much. I kind of wish I had gotten the angel hair pasta though. haha. Well, maybe I’ll drag someone else there (Christine?) and try it then And then I can actually take home the leftovers too! Mm it was goooddd thoughhh Maybe I’m just saying that cuz I’m REALLY hungry right now T_T

We got to the hotel around 9ish? No well maybe a little later than that. I think the latest you could get there was 9:15, haha. Umm we danced A LOT. Haha. I don’t know. I actually relented and took off my shoes after like… I don’t know. Maybe 10ish? Weak. I usually keep my shoes on the WHOLE time, but since a lot of other girls took off their heels too, the probability of me getting stepped on by other peoples’ heels was decreased. Actually, I think I only got stepped on twice, which was less than the number of times I got stepped on say, during junior prom. But junior prom was really cramped, haha. There was a lot more space at the hotel, and a lot less people dancing at once. The DJ kind of sucked. They kept switching songs and it was just confusing. It was better dancing sans heels though Haha. Apparently some big rapper came and preformed, but I didn’t know him. I am wayyy behind in music these days. I’m not sure why? I don’t have a real good excuse. Mainly just laziness to go and download songs, I suppose. Umm at some point during the dance they were checking limos and party buses for drugs and alcohol and stuff. Haha woww. Some people left early, some people got busted. I thought they needed search warrants for that stuff, but I guess since it’s a school event…

After prom, we were supposed to go to the beach but it was all foggy and everyone was just really lazy so we went to Denny’s instead. Shared a milkshake and sampler. Then we went back to Britney’s, attempted to watch a movie (didn’t work out too well when everyone left and then no one really wanted to watch the movie), and then just stayed up till 5 talking, hahaha Fun stuff. Britney and I woke up at 7 because SOMEONE’s phone kept going off -_-;; Fell back asleep till 10:30 (for me…) and then I was dead the rest of the day. Like, seriously dead x_x;; Got home at like 5:50, took a shower, went to sleep till 11. And even though I took that “nap” plus I slept for like 7 hours last night, I’m still hella tired. Andd about to go out again.

Okay photobucket absolutely SUCKS. I have no idea why I use it anymore – no one even knows about it, and I just end up using facebook anyways. It’s like… it stops uploading if I switch my windows to one other than the one uploading the pictures. Such bs. Plus, the bulk uploader is not working for me. For now, I’ll just post up the facebook links to pictures.

 
facebook1 facebook2
(photobucket)

Pictures! (Photobucket is still not done. Someone just kill it. I should just delete it.)

Prom Expense

God, it’s only Wednesday, yet every day of this week has felt like a Friday to me. What a bummer. At least PROM is this weekend, and while I usually am dreading it, and I kind of was last weekend (maybe I shouldn’t publisize this; it might come off as mean, but this is nothing personal I was just shopping and got sick of it. Like god damn it why can’t the perfect cheap shoes just APPEAR? Annoying) I am currently indifferent about it. I don’t really know. That still sounds pretty mean. I can’t help it, though. It’s just in me to dread every single exciting thing right before it happens. I dread jr. prom last year, jr. prom this year, Japan last year, Shanghai in eighth grade, like every fun thing that happens in my life.

But I seriously think there needs to be like an account titled, “Prom Expense” in accounting. Honestly. It is SUCH a rip off, and I can’t believe I’m buying into it, but T_T I keep trying to tell myself that it’s all worth it. And maybe it is. It probably is. But it’s just so EXPENSIVE. So far just THIS year:

Jr. Prom:
Dress – $30
Shoes – $40
Boutonniere – $12
Limo – $40
Dinner – $17
Necklace – $7
Bracelets – $6
Earrings – $5
TOTAL = $157

Sr. Prom:
Dress – $160
Earrings + Clutch (I’m going to return the clutch) – $24
Tickets – $200
Boutonniere – $10
Limo – $64
Dinner – $20
Hair clip – $54 (Please shoot me. I should NOT have gone shopping with Joanne…)
Shoes – $64
TOTAL = $596

Total Spent on Prom Altogether in 2008 = $753

And I might buy shoes. I don’t know yet. I might just use the shoes I bought in Japan. They’re a bit lower though… but at the same time, they would hurt less when I dance, right? (post edited for shoes) I’d say that Britney, Emily, and I did a pretty good job pulling together prom plans in just 2 weeks though, hahaha. So now we have a restaurant, place to take pictures, limo, and potential place to go after, though that last one is still being worked on. I just bought Jin’s boutonniere TODAY… during lunch. Hahaha. But it’s okay, he already knows Ermm but the necklace that I was planning on wearing broke. I was going to wear the one Fumihiro gave me in Japannn but god, it seems like all my necklaces from that trip broke =\ Or… I lost the one from Jo, and my cross one broke. Actually, I wanted to get a new chain for my cross necklace and just wear that.

I like how noone carrreess!! Hahaha. Okay. Well, change of subjects. I bought the sequel of Halfway to the Grave yesterday! Mainly because my 25% off coupon expired yesterday, haha. I also accepted my housing app thing last night, so I’m officially living in a Hendrick Summit triple with a shared bathroom next year! I’m excited (see, it’s still far enough away for me to be excited) I’m kind of in my ehhhh mood about France at the moment. Cuz when I went through it, I finally realized how much I’ll actually be gone during the summer :\ Blah. Don’t know. Mmm AP Econ tests tomorrow. I think I’m okay for Macro but Micro I’m a bit worried about. But then again, 4=5 for UCLA, so yeah. Hopefully I can still get a 5 though Hehe.

I’m goneeeeee. So tired and so hungry! Prom is a really addicting topic to talk about. Like. I can’t stop. So maybe I am excited…