Friends and Lonerism

I keep saying in my head that there is no one here, I am the only one left on campus, it’s so quiet, but really, I think it’s all just in my head. I’ve been in my room alone so many times, but it’s completely different knowing that no one’s going to be back anytime soon. I don’t know. It’s weird and I don’t like it. I actually managed to convince myself that basically everyone had returned home, but then when I went outside for dinner, there are still so many lights on in dorm rooms, people walking around, and De Neve is bustling with lively activity. It’s all my mentality, I know, but I can’t help it, I still feel so alone.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year, or maybe reaching all the way back into my high school years, it’s that I hate being alone. I’ve made a lot of great friends at college – it’s so easy to become close to people fast – and I know it’s bad but it makes me feel like a ton of my friends back home aren’t much of friends at all. I mean, of course, there’s my super close friends that I’ll always have, but the people who you thought you would keep in touch with but never really did, the people who only contacted you when they needed something in specific, the people who made excuses to sign off instead of talking to you, the people who never made much of an effort to keep in touch… are those people really even your friends?

Maybe it’s only in the context of being in juxtaposition with the close friends that I’ve made in college when I can finally see all of this clearly. Or perhaps I already knew it, but also knew that disclaiming them as my friends would make me essentially a loner that prevented me from doing so.

I don’t really know but either way, the music I was just listening to (I had to change it) was really killing my mood and really hindered me from thinking clearly, it was so obnoxious.

Holding Back

The more I think about it, and you, the more pissed off I get. I try to stop myself from having these thoughts, from thinking this way, but it’s so damn hard because there’s so much about it and about you that goes against my core values that define me as a person, that it’s just something I can’t continue to push aside and ignore.

I don’t really know what to do about it either, because in the same way that my core values define me, the traits in you that piss me off are what make up you, and I’m trying to understand that and be more open to it but it’s so damn hard sometimes because seeing you, or anyone, acting this way is like yanking incessantly at my last strand of self-restraint, making me cling to my tongue and wind myself and my opinions back inwards, grind my teeth and bear it because I am not you, and I cannot define you, no matter how much I wish I could help in doing so.

For the Sake of My Sanity

I’ve been really testy lately, really grouchy, like this past week. I just keep getting annoyed with everyone and everything and it’s really weird because some of the people I thought I wouldn’t get tired of I am, and the people who I thought would get on my nerves first once I reached this mood aren’t really bothering me at all. I always feel even shittier afterwards, when I realize that what I just said was supremely bitchy, but I can never really get myself to stop either, because I really am genuinely annoyed and frustrated. I don’t know. Ugh. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like going anywhere or being with anyone but yay sucks for me cuz I don’t have a single. I just need to lock myself up in a room or something and get over whatever this is. I mean, I knew it was bound to happen. Maybe it’s just a lack of sleep. Maybe I just need some time to decompress, away from everyone else, and some people just don’t seem to freaking get it. I think that’s another point that just insists on driving me even further to my insanity. That some people just don’t GET that I can’t see a person every fucking day of my life and not get tired or pissed at them. I just can’t. Unless they’re family, in which case I’m comfortable with just telling them how it is and saying, “Stop that, you’re fucking annoying me” or whatever. I don’t know. It’s just a thousand times easier and it’s driving me insane because I just need to be alone. Please. For a day. Or two. So maybe Jake and Adam’s Life Sciences professor was right, about how we wouldn’t usually be nice to anyone we didn’t know unless we were somehow related to them…

Hm. I miss my family. Good thing they’re coming down tomorrow

Things I Need

Like… right now T_T

- Crêpes, SF styleeeee. Or just any crêpe man. Just get me a crêpe!
- Mexican food, preferably Chipolte, since Steph made it sound so amazing!
- A bagette, with good frômage. Or Rivolli that the stupid Customs people threw away!
- To see Wall-E. I need to.
- Christine to answer her phone

Things I need in general:

- White bras
- Underwear, haha. I’m only thinking of these things cuz I’m on VS right now
- College stuff
- My new laptop (ordered yesterday! Eek!)
- Jeans
- Rainbow flip flops! Hehe, or Havannas
- A small purse
- Another navy hoodie. I think I freaking left mine in Paris T_T Gahhh

There was more but I forgot. I’ll post something up about Paris later, maybe. I don’t know, haha.

Third Degree

I had a lot planned for this blog entry. Actually, I had a lot planned to say about Tae Kwon Do in general over the past week. But now that I’ve actually come here to write it all out, I find myself way too tired to do it. I think I just want to go to sleep. But at the same time, there’s still so much to be said, so I suppose I’ll just settle for part of it.

Today was my third degree test, but I have doubts about how many people remembered… as in, none but my family and those testing. I barely remembered it myself. It just crept up on me so quickly and I guess it never really registered to me until I was actually in there and doing it that wow. I was testing for my third degree. It was a strange feeling – I felt as though I was saying bye, which saddens me a lot. During the speeches, about which everyone whom I tell does not seem to understand, I began to realize how much Tae Kwon Do really has done for me, and probably how much I’ve been taken that all for granted. I began to feel bad about all those times I complained about practice, or said I didn’t want to test for my third degree because it was too much work, or copped out on competing in fear that I wouldn’t win… I began to really despise myself for those moments of me not being confident in myself or motivated enough to do it all anyways.

I don’t know. I guess it’s all just hitting me. Crashing down on me and making me face the reality that this is like the end to everything. Everyone talks about how college is such a great time in your life, how you’re away from home and you meet a bunch of new friends and can actually take classes that pertain to your interests but… what about this perspective? I feel like college is taking everything away from me, stripping me bare. It’s forcing me to leave everything I’ve ever known behind, forcing me to let it all go and say good bye. So no, I’m not really excited to go to college at the moment. I’m actually kind of despising it, because I know that change is inevitable.

I had stuff to say about sparring too, about incentives and all that. It’s not really important though – just random thoughts and me thinking I’m smart for thinking about them. You know, the usual. I’m really tired though. I can’t believe I’m graduating on Thursday, but at the same time, I guess I just feel like I’m kind of fed up with everyone and everything. About damn time – just get me out of here. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fatigue in me that’s speaking. I can’t believe I’m so tired that I can’t even read this amazing story anymore. That must really be saying something. I’m too tired at the moment to do or feel anything, really. Too damn tired to care, says my twitter status.

Kay, I’m done. I just feel like I’m caring less… and less… and less in this past week, after my like… mental breakdown or whatever the hell it was that I underwent. And I kind of feel like it’s just going to continue. I’m just going to keep retreating and retreating and retreating until before you know, or maybe you won’t notice, but I’m not there to care at all. I don’t really know what I’m saying. Well I kind of do, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m trying to imply though, what kind of message I’m trying to set forth, or if I want to at all. Mmm whatever. Sleep.

P.S. Love my Tae Kwon Do family♥ I miss us already, and I still have months before I actually go away to college. Though you’ll never read this, to Chantal, Roger, Bob, Chris, Olivia, Zoe, Adrian, Ryan, Perry – we did it! I love you guys for your support. Seriously.

Essay = Done

It’s currently 1:30am and I am finally done. That was a long and rigorous and painful process. I can’t imagine every college essay being like that, but I guess they kind of will. I think it’s just because I procrastinated so much. Once I forced myself to actually get down and do it, stop distracting myself with facebook, and with fictionpress, and with twitter (though I never quite stopped with that one), I actually got things done and just did it. You should check out my recently played tracks though; it’s quite amusing. It’s all the same song over and over again – my muse. I actually never knew that it would work for writing essays. Stories, yes, but essays, I had no idea. Oh well. That can be useful information for the future.

I feel like I’m living my life in some sort of twisted metaphor, currently. I don’t know – I can’t really explain it. I don’t even quite get it myself. I don’t even know why I’m feeling this way. It is not as though anything in particular happened, I just feel like it’s different, somehow. I could be totally offbase and wrong though. I don’t really know. Maybe I’m just spewing bullshit, making something of nothing, overanalyzing things again and having yet another one-sided emotional… whatever. That tends to happen a lot. Probably too much. More like the story of my life. I don’t know; it’s bad. But I feel like I’ve just… out-talked the whole subject. Or maybe I should feel that way but I don’t because I still haven’t really reached my conclusion or found a new solution. I just don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I hate feeling this way – it’s so icky. I’ve been feeling it all weekend. It got better for a while but now it’s kind of back again, with this whole essay thing, which makes absolutely no sense at all, but I don’t know what to do about it.

I wish I felt more comfortable with myself. I wish I could go back to old me who wasn’t so self-conscious but I am, mainly because old me didn’t really work out too well anyways. I don’t even know. Does anyone even know what I’m talking about?! Because I half don’t understand it myself. I mean, I do but I don’t. Right. Maybe it’s getting a bit late. Why am I even still writing after having just finished my 14 page and 2 lines essay? Only me, man…

Gross Inside

Dude I am so emo. I went through half a page of Twitter tweets just this weekend. Either that or I am just procrastinating a lot, but I think the whole emo and thinking wayyyy too much about everything thing is definitely a big part of it. I wish I could just stop myself from caring about everything so much and just let it all goooooooo. Go with the flow man and not give a damn. The music is helping me, I think. It’s helping me concentrate on what’s really important (my freaking paper due tomorrow) and helping steer me clear from my other harmful thoughts. I really think I do tend to dig myself deep deep down into this gigantic, abyssal holes that takes forever to get me out of. Sometimes I never come out. Usually I don’t. Usually what happens is that I just follow the holes on through and make do. I follow out those emotions and just begin a new chapter in my life and move past it all. But I wonder if I ever really conquer it, rather than just forgetting about it and getting over it. I’m trying to think of a time I have, and I can’t recall any, and honestly, that’s scaring me a lot a lot a lot right now.

Ew. I am so mad with myself. So disgusted. I wish I was a stronger person in this sense. I’m beginning to realize how weak I really am. I’m beginning to see my true, stripped reflection in the mirror, and the image staring back at me isn’t so pretty at all. How depressing. How EMO! Oh my god even this post has turned all morbid and gross and dark and why can’t I just avoidd all this? But I think that’s my problem. I just keep running away from everything. I can never just ground myself, make myself stay, and actually deal with my insecurities and fix the problem. I never try to make it go away. I just wait for myself to stop caring. And that’s why it keeps coming back to haunt me every freaking time.

But I just don’t understand HOW to get over this, to make it all better, to make it all just go away. It’s not as if I like being the way I am, because I hate it. I feel all disgusted with myself. I wouldn’t like me either. It’s not like I can just discuss all my problems and have it all be better. I know that people often talk about how talking things out will make everything better, but it’s not just something I can just… do. Bring up. I can’t even deal with myself knowing the way I feel, so how can I expect others to still like me and accept me once I tell them, if I can’t even accept myself?

God, I am such a pain. I feel like I just self-destruct every. single. time. Someone make it stoppp I don’t want to be this way anymore.

A Sad Excuse of an Update

I realize I haven’t written here for a while. I’m not sure why, but my life always seems to work out that way. I get into a relationship and then, even though there are probably things to say, and still time to update, and still that little reminder in my head to update every so often, I never get around to actually doing it. I mean, I have even sat down here, opened the window, and attempted to write something, but always end up scrapping it. It’s weird. I have no idea why I do that.

But anyways. Bottom line is, I’m updating now. I’m not really sure why, or what the point is, but I’m here. So I finally figured out how to check my text message status online. Jin showed me a while ago, but I couldn’t actually find it until just like… a few minutes ago and FUCK I am so screwed I wish they had rollover texts or something. I feel really bad too. Apparently the cost of text messages has increased from $0.10 to $0.20, and since I’ve gone over (……….. 302/200 as of 2:30pm, so add a few more to that too…) that’s about $21 we’re looking at, basically. I feel really bad. I feel like I should pay my parents even though they wouldn’t make me, and even though it’s really their money that I’m paying them, but still. Gah. Please no one text me until 06/03/08. Why didn’t I figure this out sooner? Why do people send me pointless text messages?! Why do I send people text messages?! Why do we send text messages at all?! Why don’t we just pick up the damn phone and call each other?! UGHHHHHHHHH I’m so stupid

I FOUND MY JOURNAL!!!!!!!! AS IN, I JUST FOUND IT AND I AM SOOOOO DAMN EXCITED OMGGGGGGGG THANKKK GOODDDDDDDDDDD I was going insane and I just don’t know what I would have done if I never found it. I mean, it’s true, where could it have gone, but still, I was really worried, because although I’ve lost practically everything in the span of my lifetime, I have never once lost ANY of my journals for good, at least since I started keeping them in forth grade. So to lose my journal now… god, I think I would just die. I mean, not die, but I kind of would in a way… it’s kind of like losing a huge huge part of me… I realize that I’m sounding pretty lame right now… oh well, it’s not like many people I know read this anyways, haha. Anyways, the bottom line is, I’m really happy and relieved and every other positive emotion that I found it!

I don’t really have anything else to say (hence, the title of this entry, hahaha, which I chose before I even began it). I really want to find some more things to read. Fictionpress again, but the thing is that I can’t like… I don’t know. Last two stories I read on fp just dragged and dragged and dragged, even though there was nothing really wrong with them to begin with. I’m actually still technically on the epilogue of one of them, and I’ve been stuck there for the past month or so, it’s kind of ridiculous. I need something fresh, something quirky, something addicting. Feel free to comment with any suggestions, or book recommendations too!

And here’s just something funny that I noticed today, for Christine’s entertainment. This is a screencap of my recent sent emails:

Uh oh. Now this entry is going to look unbalanced, if I don’t write something underneath the image as well (I am weird like that). I’m trying to get my pictures from my phone onto my computer via bluetooth, but the bluetooth on my phone must be dysfunctional, because it’s not detecting ANY devices, and my computer is not detecting my phone at all. But it’s really annoying because my picture memory on my phone is now full, and plus, I have some cute pictures on my phone Hehe. Ughhhh PLUS, my phone does not have a micro SD card, nor does it have a slot to use a wire to connect it to my computer. I absolutely hateeee my phone. I mean, not absolutely, like I still love the smooth keypad, and the face that it’s a flip phone, and that I can take pictures with the phone closed, but other than that… yeah…

I can’t believe that June is almost here. I can’t believe that high school is almost over. I can’t believe that I’m graduating in two weeks, and that I’m going to Paris is one month, and that I’m going to college in four months. God… it’s all so weird… and sad. I hate goodbyes. I hate ends. I hate letting go. It was always the hardest part for me… still is. I don’t know if I’ve ever fully let go of anything… (weird cryptic statement that has potential to be over analyzed, but I wouldn’t recommend it because as I begin to over analyze it, like I do with everything else, I myself am questioning its validity).

Timing

I know it’s been said before. I think I remember reading a story that talked a lot about it too, in the kind of conclusion. How everything, if you think about it, is all about timing. But I’m beginning to really feel the effects of how true that is. Like if you had asked me sooner, my entire life would be different. Had this been last semester, I wonder where we would be now. If we had actually started talking three years ago when we first met, things might be so much simplier.

Timing determines a lot of things. Like if you meet the perfect guy at the wrong time (I’m going off the story I remember reading, not my own life) sometimes that relationship just can’t happen. Timing gives you an opportunity, or starves you of it. It makes things more difficult, or more easy. Timing facilitates fate, perhaps. I don’t really know. I’m thinking as I write this.

I honestly feel really bad right now. I mean, when he asked, I maybe had an idea, but he didn’t say it specifically so I just took it for what it was. Would I have responded differently, had I known what I know now? Maybe. But at the same time, not really. What about if this was months before? Maybe back in October? Or even December, January, February, March? Even April. Definitely. But the reality is that this was in May. And really, it only takes a few minutes, a snap of your fingers, one facebook message, one question to change your entire life and perspective.

I think timing likes to play tricks on me, tease me, because my life is always this way. Timing for me knows no moderation. It throws things at me in singular, big, thrusts, giving me everything all at once and forcing me to choose.

Timing is never really kind to me…

Capsulated Feelings

I hate how I just let it all go, how I’m steaming mad inside but on the outside, I act like nothing’s wrong. Like I’m not totally pissed at you. Like I’m completely unaffected by it all. My dad says he admires this about me, the way I just let everything go like it’s water off a camel’s back. Maybe because it’s the opposite of him. Maybe because I used to be like him, the exact opposite of what I am now. But it’s twisting me up inside, tangling me, burning me raw and trying to break past my barriers that prevent others from letting them know that I care. That I know more than I let on. That I feel deeper than I allow people to see.

I don’t know how I’m supposed to react. For some reason, I’ve begun to avoid any form of conflict. Like I’m just too tired for it all. Like none of it is worth it anymore. I don’t know why I am like this. I guess it’s because I don’t like change. I don’t want to get mad at someone and make a big deal out of something that should really just be left alone. I don’t want to risk a friendship or a period of calmity and peace just because something a person said or did made me mad. I guess it’s like a cost and benefits thing. To me, it’s just not worth it. The costs outweigh the benefits, so I never step over the margin and take that risk.

But I think it might be killing me inside. It’s like the volcano they talk about in Freshman seminar, except it’s been years since I last erupted. Or maybe I just erupt to myself, in private, quietly like this, masked so that no one really knows if it’s them I’m talking about, or what made me angry, or if this is just an accumulation of everything that has made me mad in the past. I don’t even think this is erupting. This is just me frustrated with myself, and my inability to speak out at times like this and take a risk. People say that conflicts are what make you and your relationships stronger. Gives you a test. But it’s like I keep avoding that test, pushing it off until longer, so long until it merely becomes a test against myself. Against my wills. Testing how strong I indivdually am.