I had a lot planned for this blog entry. Actually, I had a lot planned to say about Tae Kwon Do in general over the past week. But now that I’ve actually come here to write it all out, I find myself way too tired to do it. I think I just want to go to sleep. But at the same time, there’s still so much to be said, so I suppose I’ll just settle for part of it.
Today was my third degree test, but I have doubts about how many people remembered… as in, none but my family and those testing. I barely remembered it myself. It just crept up on me so quickly and I guess it never really registered to me until I was actually in there and doing it that wow. I was testing for my third degree. It was a strange feeling – I felt as though I was saying bye, which saddens me a lot. During the speeches, about which everyone whom I tell does not seem to understand, I began to realize how much Tae Kwon Do really has done for me, and probably how much I’ve been taken that all for granted. I began to feel bad about all those times I complained about practice, or said I didn’t want to test for my third degree because it was too much work, or copped out on competing in fear that I wouldn’t win… I began to really despise myself for those moments of me not being confident in myself or motivated enough to do it all anyways.
I don’t know. I guess it’s all just hitting me. Crashing down on me and making me face the reality that this is like the end to everything. Everyone talks about how college is such a great time in your life, how you’re away from home and you meet a bunch of new friends and can actually take classes that pertain to your interests but… what about this perspective? I feel like college is taking everything away from me, stripping me bare. It’s forcing me to leave everything I’ve ever known behind, forcing me to let it all go and say good bye. So no, I’m not really excited to go to college at the moment. I’m actually kind of despising it, because I know that change is inevitable.
I had stuff to say about sparring too, about incentives and all that. It’s not really important though – just random thoughts and me thinking I’m smart for thinking about them. You know, the usual. I’m really tired though. I can’t believe I’m graduating on Thursday, but at the same time, I guess I just feel like I’m kind of fed up with everyone and everything. About damn time – just get me out of here. I don’t know. Maybe it’s the fatigue in me that’s speaking. I can’t believe I’m so tired that I can’t even read this amazing story anymore. That must really be saying something. I’m too tired at the moment to do or feel anything, really. Too damn tired to care, says my twitter status.
Kay, I’m done. I just feel like I’m caring less… and less… and less in this past week, after my like… mental breakdown or whatever the hell it was that I underwent. And I kind of feel like it’s just going to continue. I’m just going to keep retreating and retreating and retreating until before you know, or maybe you won’t notice, but I’m not there to care at all. I don’t really know what I’m saying. Well I kind of do, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m trying to imply though, what kind of message I’m trying to set forth, or if I want to at all. Mmm whatever. Sleep.
P.S. Love my Tae Kwon Do family♥ I miss us already, and I still have months before I actually go away to college. Though you’ll never read this, to Chantal, Roger, Bob, Chris, Olivia, Zoe, Adrian, Ryan, Perry – we did it! I love you guys for your support. Seriously.
