Winter Break is Ending

Wow. As I was thinking about what to title this entry, the line that came to mind was, “Summer’s ending.” I am clearly losing my mind. Anyways, Winter Break is ending, and I don’t want to go back, even though I am excited about my Korean class. It makes me giddy. Because it makes me think of Big Bang.

I really don’t have a good reason to be posting here, actually. I’m just waiting so I can go to Borders and buy more books before I leave tomorrow – 30% off! I just thought I’d share this picture in the meantime:

I stayed up last night making a T.O.P wallpaper for myself, and I am in the process of thinking about a T.O.P layout, which would mean that I have to leave WordPress.com to put it up, so I’ve set up another account for me elsewhere where I can install WordPress again and continue this blog. I’m pretty tired of the standard template layouts here, to be honest. I’m never really satisfied, and I think that photoshopping is something that I’d like to get back into. So look forward to that.

I’m leaving tomorrow! And mourning the loss of my free time to read, gah. I actually feel like reading a good fictionpress story right now, to be honest. I also started writing a fanfic… but I doubt it’ll go anywhere (three guesses who it’s about). The problem with me and writing is that ideas weave in and out of my head but the inspiration for one solid story never stays long enough to get me anywhere.

Inspiration

I’m inspired. Now if only I could act on it…

I read her story, and then I read how old she is – my brother’s age. With dreams of going to Georgetown or UCLA, and I think to myself, god damn, if only I was that much of a person at her age. I’m two years older and the me now can’t even compare.

Problems with My Essay

I feel like I’ve complained too much to actual people about my essay, so I guess I’ll just complain about all the things wrong with it here.

1) I don’t really get the prompt. I mean, I do, to an extent, but I don’t get how to formulate a thesis that will directly address the prompt, tie everything together, and not sound like a run-on. I also don’t get how to address each specific topic that I am writing about in relation to the prompt. For example, I have to do 2 paragraphs on print media, first in Vietnam and then in whatever the second country is that I’m doing (will be addressed later) but there was no previous print media in Vietnam to begin with. So am I supposed to focus on the fact that there was no print media, and now there is one? Or how the people were affected by the media, and how their cultural norms were affected? Or am I supposed to talk about the actual content of the media, like that it was an incorporation of both the old and new ideas, since ther was a wide array of different newspapers and journals printed at the time?

2) I don’t know which country I should write about. I originally wanted to write about Korea, and so I wrote both my introduction and conclusion addressing Korea along with Vietnam, plus two body paragraphs, but in doing so, I realized that I don’t really have much information on Korea to work with. Because my professor just goes off on tangents during lectures, I did not accumulate much knowledge through them, and neither did Denise, so it wasn’t even just me. The readings as well don’t really address the topics that I wish to talk about either. So the more I think about it, although it will mean having to rewrite about 4 paragraphs, I think that switching Korea with Japan will allow me to have stronger body paragraphs and demonstrate a better knowledge and understanding of the readings because I will be able to incorporate more of them into my essay.

3) This is my major thing that is driving me off the wall insane. I feel like I keep summarizing instead of analyzing. I actually think I did a pretty okay paragraph when I was writing about Vietnam’s cityscape, but after I came back and sat down and tried to do Vietnam’s print media, I felt like I was facing the same problem all over again. I don’t know. But when I go back and try to delete some of it, I just don’t know what to delete, since I feel like a lot of it is not really background information, but actually answering the question. I don’t know. I just don’t get how I’m supposed to analyze it, when they’re basically asking me what happened when aspects of modernization were implemented, and the readings just tell me. I don’t know. I’m so lost it’s driving me insane I hate this

4) I’m already past my limit of 6 pages. Horray for having to cut a ton… AGAIN. I’m hoping though that by switching from Korea to Japan, this will solve part of the problem since it will give me another shot at writing a language paragraph for Japan instead, one in which I won’t just have summary but actual analysis.

Hopefully writing this entry helped me. It kind of makes me want to go back and rework some things in my essay because I think I have a clearer understanding of what I’m supposed to write for my essay, and how I’m supposed to write it, but at the same time, I kind of think I should sleep too, seeing as I have a 9am final tomorrow morning and I plan on waking up at 8am to study for it. I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should stay up till 1 trying to fix my essay and then just call it a night?

Aigoo. Now I have to redo all my outlining/background research for Japan instead of Korea. Why didn’t I just think of this earlier? T_T

Essay = Done

It’s currently 1:30am and I am finally done. That was a long and rigorous and painful process. I can’t imagine every college essay being like that, but I guess they kind of will. I think it’s just because I procrastinated so much. Once I forced myself to actually get down and do it, stop distracting myself with facebook, and with fictionpress, and with twitter (though I never quite stopped with that one), I actually got things done and just did it. You should check out my recently played tracks though; it’s quite amusing. It’s all the same song over and over again – my muse. I actually never knew that it would work for writing essays. Stories, yes, but essays, I had no idea. Oh well. That can be useful information for the future.

I feel like I’m living my life in some sort of twisted metaphor, currently. I don’t know – I can’t really explain it. I don’t even quite get it myself. I don’t even know why I’m feeling this way. It is not as though anything in particular happened, I just feel like it’s different, somehow. I could be totally offbase and wrong though. I don’t really know. Maybe I’m just spewing bullshit, making something of nothing, overanalyzing things again and having yet another one-sided emotional… whatever. That tends to happen a lot. Probably too much. More like the story of my life. I don’t know; it’s bad. But I feel like I’ve just… out-talked the whole subject. Or maybe I should feel that way but I don’t because I still haven’t really reached my conclusion or found a new solution. I just don’t even know what to do with myself anymore. I hate feeling this way – it’s so icky. I’ve been feeling it all weekend. It got better for a while but now it’s kind of back again, with this whole essay thing, which makes absolutely no sense at all, but I don’t know what to do about it.

I wish I felt more comfortable with myself. I wish I could go back to old me who wasn’t so self-conscious but I am, mainly because old me didn’t really work out too well anyways. I don’t even know. Does anyone even know what I’m talking about?! Because I half don’t understand it myself. I mean, I do but I don’t. Right. Maybe it’s getting a bit late. Why am I even still writing after having just finished my 14 page and 2 lines essay? Only me, man…

Grown Out of Soompi

Remind me not to go on soompi again. It just angers me. Soompi has turned into a place that has a plethora of the things that I despise. It’s so ridiculous how the most popular fics there are so annoyingly stupid and shallow. It’s really depressing too, because the most “popular” is a reflection of the generation that’s overtaking. It’s a reflection of what people value and like. It’s hard to believe that all those types of fics have completely taken over a site that was once filled with lots of potential, lots of good fics. They’re all still there, I presume, but they’re burried, tossed aside without a second thought because the paragraphs are too long, the words too big. You really have to dig to find them, and it’s just not worth it. All the plots on soompi seem exactly the same, and so do the characters. Why are there all these marriage fics now? I suppose because marriage is like the real deal, the end of it all, the ultimate place people want to be. But the people who soompiers write about are so young. They’re high schoolers, getting married and forced into marriages where alas! They end up being meant for each other. Oh my god. Where’s the toilet? I need to barf. I mean, okay, maybe I’m being a bit hypocritical, because I read and like those stories too. But when they’re all like that… and I’m not exaggerating either. I think in the first two pages of just the incomplete fics, there were at least like 7 fics about marriage… just in the title. All of them were high school. Maybe half of them had to do with social classes (uljjang kind of thing). Really. I don’t know what’s happened to people.

And then I went to the fanfiction discussion thread, because usually at least people are thinking there and beyond just the glitz and glam, let’s see how many replies I can get… but even that made me cringe. I’m going to stop here; I really should, before I begin to directly insult anyone. I mean, not that I haven’t already but…

I managed a full chapter out today. That’s really slow for me, actually, but I’m really proud of what I wrote. I think taking Honors Advanced Exposition has helped me a lot too, even if writing exposition papers is not the same as writing fiction. It’s just that after having been directed to deliberately cut half my essay, I realized that I’m more okay with cutting things that I just realize don’t and won’t fit. I did it in my final draft of that essay (I cut entire paragraphs just because they didn’t further my thesis) and while writing this chapter, I cut entire events that I had already written but once I connected to it, realized that I just didn’t need them and/or they just didn’t fit. Actually, I planned the chapter, like I plan all my chapters, and honestly the characters took me away on a completely different ride. The chapter ended pretty differently than I had anticipated, and bypassed parts that I thought would be included. I’m pretty proud of the result though, and the chapter is a lot longer than my chapters usually are, which I think is for the better. I think a lot of my pride in the chapter comes from the fact that I really did push myself to break past some of my comfort levels and venture into new territory, personalities, and levels of attraction and chemistry that I never really explored before.

So yeah. I’m really really eager to share it all now. But I can’t. I don’t even know what chapter number it will end up being, lol. I’m totally fine with that though. Although I feel a bit disorganized, and it’s driving me a little insane not having everything so neatly separated into their proper categories and such, and having random word files with random chapters in all places of the story, I think this is good for me, and I’d like to believe that the end result will just be that much better. Like people will really be able to experience the full blown effect of every aspect there is to be explored. I also was on ficlics reading something out of the March newsletter about imagery… and it reminded me to consider that factor of my writing as well, so I began trying to add more of that in as well, which I think made a sort of blend of what I was writing before and what I was writing now. Maybe this all is too confusing without having read what I wrote. Oh well. All in good time.

请你让我写得更好啦

I want to write but I can’t. This is so frustrating. I think this is why I stopped writing in the first place. Everything I write just comes out really simplistic and IMO, a bit boring. But it’s not supposed to be. I have these ideas but when I write them down, my prose just doesn’t really do them justice. I fear that I won’t be able to write as well as I did, with so many emotions as I did in Her Wish. Looking back, I’m not really sure how I did that. I mean, I kind of vaguely know, because it’s still in me, but with a less dramatic, less angsty story, can I still do it? I think that was my challenge. That’s what I decided to write a fic like this, where my main characters are more normal and aren’t like trajedy cases who are overflowing with unspoken emotions and just ready to explode.

Blah. This wasn’t even supposed to be a longer entry… just a few sentences. But it’s really frustrating. I’m feeling pretty insignifcant right now. Even though I’ve read so much, and improved my writing so much, I still feel like… it’s not good enough. There’s nothing too significant about it. Nothing much to it. Blah.

Editing Forbidden Fate

I’ve been editing Forbidden Fate intermittenly for the past three years since I finished it, and I’m only about halfway through. Other than the fact that I’m just straight up lazy, I’ve been wondering why I’m struggling so much with getting through it, and as of late, I’ve been thinking that maybe I should just leave it. But then tonight, while going back to where I left off in editing and deciding to give it another stab, after two people who just asked me to continue updating the chapters on FictionPress, I had an epiphany. I’ve been editing and nit-picking at little things of Forbidden Fate, but that’s not really what’s wrong with it. I may have started out good in my process, going through and really looking at the story and completely cutting out entire chapters that didn’t really further the plot, but after that, the only thing I’ve really changed since is just awkward sentences, typos, and bad grammar. What Forbidden Fate really needs is to be looked at through the big lens, and after doing that for just a few seconds, I realize again what’s so wrong with it. The thing is though, a problem like I have is so much harder to fix than long, run-on sentences and bad English. It requires deeper thinking and planning and manipulation, and honestly, upon further consideration, I just don’t feel like taking the time to do it. I could, I know, but I feel like my efforts would be better spent elsewhere. My new story, perhaps. Just thinking about editing Forbidden Fate, and the relationships that need to be changed and the tone that it needs to be rid of tires me so much, and I’m just tired of it. I just want to say no more. It is what it is, and the only direction I should move is forward, not dwelling on trying to fix things that may just be better off left alone.

I feel maybe a tad bit bad to my current readers (there are few…) but I just don’t really want to put up with it more. To those who enjoyed it, that’s great, I’m happy that people can still find pleasure in a story with so many flaws, but I don’t think I’m up for going through it and changing it to gain more readership and such. Gah. Now I’m so tired, when I was previously pretty excited to write more for my new, still nameless fic. It doesn’t happen a lot that I just randomly want to write a new chapter. Like I’m doing something else and then I get this sudden urge to write, you know. For Her Wish especially, it was more of a thing that a month had passed and I would remember, “I have all these people still waiting for a chapter…” I think that was the real reason why I stopped writing for so long. I hated knowing that I was just forcing myself to sit down and write, whereas it used to be a natural thing, something I really was genuinely excited to do, rather than an obligation. For Destined to Be, it really was like that (the former). I would write everyday and plan everyday just because. I hate that I began to lose that, and it’s been taking me so long to even start this new fic because I’m trying to gain it back. This new fic, though it might take a while, will at least not be forced.

Ah. This isn’t to be insulting or ungrateful or anything, but I see some interviews that people do with online writers (I will not name any sources), and I think to myself, “You could have asked so many better, more in depth, more interesting questions. Why didn’t you?” It makes me want to offer my help, especially when I begin to inspect and think about these things on my own, about my own struggles with writing, and the type of things that I as a reader would like to and would find interesting to know.

Insignificant Being

It’s a shame I don’t have many profound, or even just straight up interesting things to say. I wonder what makes a blog entry interesting anyways. I feel so lame because mine’s not. At all. Why would people want to read this and my stupid Friday fives? I guess it’s useless moods like the one I’m in now that ignite the dramatic flair in me. Do people even know I have it? I suppose that one of the few ways to know is if you read my stories. Which most people don’t. It’s amazing how much attention Her Wish is receiving on FP now though. I really am amazed. I mean, I know I pride myself in it, sort of, some parts, as a whole, I mean, but I know that the FP crowd is a lot harder to break through than the soompi crowd is. Actually, I was really surprised about how much attention it received on both soompi and ficaholics as well. It really wasn’t something that I had expected at all. Anyways, I degress. What was my point again? Oh yeah, my flair for dramatics. I mean, it’s times like these where I just feel so plain and boring that I get this sudden urge to make my life more interesting, exaggerate things, make up emotions, make people believe that I care or I feel some emotion in a lot stronger doses than I really do, if at all. Is anyone else this way? I hate it about myself, honestly. Unless I do it the right way. Read: translating it into fiction and acknowledging it for exactly what it is: fiction. That was kind of an awkward sentence. Two semi-colons; can you even do that? I don’t know. Oh well. Grammar nerds can kiss my ass.

… Oh. That’s right. I was going to try to stop swearing. Whoops.

Excited All-around

No Friday Five this week. Not for the lack of questions, but moreso for my own lack of interest. Oh well.

I went to Borders today. Got 3 new books. If you know me at all, you’ll know I’m super excited with this new development!! I am SO ready to ready them. Except that I promised myself I would finish outlining Physics and start outlining Econ. What a bitch. I was thinking about it and I realized that this is probably my only semester that won’t matter. Goodness, that’s sad. I don’t know why I’m still working so hard, but I mean, no one likes to fail! How can you be happy with just a B?

With that said, I am so unbelievably jealous of all the Branson people. Their 2nd trimester has ended so that means NO SCHOOL. So ridiculous. I would say I wish I stayed but I don’t. I’m pretty happy that I transferred. Even if I am stuck here outlining for Physics tests I’m going to fail and Econ tests that… I don’t know. Lol. But the sentence sounded incomplete if I didn’t say something about Econ too – do you know that feeling?

So I decided to take a stab at editing Her Wish, or at least the first nineteen chapters of it. This is not to say that I have suddenly become unlazy and decided to do something to my past stories for a change, but it’s more so because there’s this scholarship where I can submit the first nineteen chapters (which I really combined into 5 chapters…) and possibly win. Or possibly not. Probably not. I feel like my story doesn’t have much meaning and effect unless you have it all. Oh well. Worse comes to worse, I’ll have a lot better first nineteen chapters, lol.

I got my forms for France for ISA! That got me pretty excited. Not that I wasn’t already, haha This entry is all over the place…

ADD Writing

I wrote a lot yesterday for my story. I think this is the by far weirdest way I’ve ever put together a story. It’s actually annoying me to hell, because it’s not very organized at all. It’s almost like I have ADD or something. I keep skipping from scene to scene and so now I have about five different snippets of chapters, that will eventually be placed in all different parts of the story. Let’s give you a more specific explanation: I currently have 2 full beginning chapters, half of the last chapter, 2 scenes from some pretty turning points of the story, a sliver of a scene that will belong in the fifth chapter, and another tidbit of a scene that will be somewhere after that aforementioned fifth chapter. Maybe seventh or eighth, something like that. I have about 16 chapters planned so far, but they’re all in different places, all just different scenes that I know I want to happen, and I know pretty clearly how they will happen (I kind of envision them in my mind), but I don’t know at all when they will happen. I know I’ll have more chapters than that. At the pace I have the story going right now, it’s a little too rushed. I also know that I’m missing parts of my story, and also parts of my characters’… characters. I don’t know them quite well enough to write certain parts, or even imagine certain parts. This I’ve gathered. I don’t know. It’s just the most bizarre thing ever. I’m not sure if I like doing things this way, but at the same time, if I have the urge to write a scene, then I should just probably write it, shouldn’t I? Even if it’s not necessarily the next chapter that needs to be written. I keep telling myself this. Chapters will probably have a better turn out if they’re written when they want to be written, and not when they need to be. After all, directors don’t film every scene from a movie in order either. Of course, that may have something more to do with the cost than anything else though…

Hell, I don’t even have a title yet. Ah. That will drive me insane. I pretty much suck at thinking of titles… it’s not really my forté.