Friends and Lonerism

I keep saying in my head that there is no one here, I am the only one left on campus, it’s so quiet, but really, I think it’s all just in my head. I’ve been in my room alone so many times, but it’s completely different knowing that no one’s going to be back anytime soon. I don’t know. It’s weird and I don’t like it. I actually managed to convince myself that basically everyone had returned home, but then when I went outside for dinner, there are still so many lights on in dorm rooms, people walking around, and De Neve is bustling with lively activity. It’s all my mentality, I know, but I can’t help it, I still feel so alone.

And if there’s one thing I’ve learned this year, or maybe reaching all the way back into my high school years, it’s that I hate being alone. I’ve made a lot of great friends at college – it’s so easy to become close to people fast – and I know it’s bad but it makes me feel like a ton of my friends back home aren’t much of friends at all. I mean, of course, there’s my super close friends that I’ll always have, but the people who you thought you would keep in touch with but never really did, the people who only contacted you when they needed something in specific, the people who made excuses to sign off instead of talking to you, the people who never made much of an effort to keep in touch… are those people really even your friends?

Maybe it’s only in the context of being in juxtaposition with the close friends that I’ve made in college when I can finally see all of this clearly. Or perhaps I already knew it, but also knew that disclaiming them as my friends would make me essentially a loner that prevented me from doing so.

I don’t really know but either way, the music I was just listening to (I had to change it) was really killing my mood and really hindered me from thinking clearly, it was so obnoxious.

Friday Five

I am back on Firefox because Chrome began malfunctioning with me. Tabs would randomly stop working/allowing you to browse to websites and it happened so frequently that I just gave up. I also miss my Firefox add-ons, like highlight and such. Chrome does look cool though. But then again, what did you expect, it’s google.

1. Could you live without your phone for 1 week for $500? Use someone else’s phone.
2. Whom do you talk to on the phone the most? I don’t really know anymore. Christine, I guess, but then sometimes not really. And I mean who do I call the most or who do I talk to on the phone the most? I think those would warrant two different answers.
3. Whom do you no longer talk to on the phone but wish you still did? I have no idea. No one in particular that I can think of…
4. If you could get a hold of one celebrity phone number, whose digits would you want? Well even if I had their number, wouldn’t that be an extremely awkward conversation? “Um hi I have your number because I stalk you and I’m your number one fan!” *click*… from their side. I don’t think I would call them, to be honest. So I guess it doesn’t really matter.
5. Do you talk on the phone more or less than you used to? More? Less? Than what? I don’t really know. I think I talk on the phone less, and especially because I see a handful of my friends everyday now so yeah. There’s also the internet, IMing, video chatting, ya know.

I don’t know if I should go to Diwali tonight. I kind of want to but I want to also be able to leave whenever I want to, if I don’t like it or whatever, and I don’t know if you can do that or what. What’s the dealio? I feel like everyone is going away this weekend, so I really will be completely anti-social. But hopefully that means that I’ll be getting some work done. Rissa and I are planning a Full House marathon though!! Excited~ I keep thinking about the 곰 세 마리 song whenever I hear that counter in Korean class, haha. I’m sooo glad that midterms are finally done though (just have to worry about this cluster essay and finals). Quarters go by so quickly it’s ridiculous. If you think about it, 10 weeks isn’t a lot at all. It’s like just a bit over two months. I can’t believe that it’s November already, because it definitely does not seem like it when I look and walk outside. It is currently 88 degrees outside right now, and that’s probably after having cooled down. Tell me that’s not ridiculous.

Anyways. I want some non-dorm food. For some strange reason, my ramen’s looking really good, even though I know in reality it’s not. I should probably save it. But damnnn why have I started getting hungry around 4 now?

P.S. I know it sounds geeky but I’m excited for new new WordPress to come out. I wish they would just release it already!

Scheduling and Whatnot

I’m being demanded to post, but I have no idea what to talk about. I’m pretty on top of things as of late, if I do say so myself. No school tomorrow is nice too. I wanted to go to Six Flags tomorrow since Jake’s floor is going, but I have my math midterm on Wednesday and figured that I should probably make studying for that my priority instead. Lame, I know, but whatever. There will be other chances. I found out early this morning (read: 3am) that I passed out of English Composition 3, which is good, and I have this suspicion that the results from that test have been up there for a while but I just didn’t notice. I’m stupid – it happens, haha. It’s good though. After I took that test, I figured that either one of two things could have happened: I had just written a brilliant essay once again (I’m so humble, I realize) or I had completely bombed that essay and the person who wrote the article they assigned us to analyze and write an essay about was one of the essay readers and would hate me for what I said in my essay. I didn’t even really write on topic, to be honest. I esentially twisted the prompt to make it something that I felt like writing about, not something that the readers had really asked me for. I tend to do that, I realized. I always have to make my essays different, relate them to a bigger picture of something else, take the topic and put it into a completely different context. I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing, but I guess this time at least, it worked.

So yeah. Long story short, I don’t have to take English Composition 3 next quarter and my schedule won’t be all screwed up. Plus, I have a higher guarentee that I’ll get the schedule that I want so it’ll look all nice and pretty. I was thinking about taking four classes next quarter, but nothing really fits with my schedule either. With the lecture times of both my Korean and GE Cluster classes, pretty much no other class is available (other than my 8am Econ 41 class -_-).

아아아~~ 추다. It’s easy to get close fast to people in college. I’m closer to people I’ve known for seven weeks than I am with people I’ve gotten to know over the last four years. It’s kind of nice though. I like that aspect of college. I feel like I should be getting more involved though. Doing more. Joining more. My excuse is that I eventually will, I just need to get my grades up for this quarter… which is kind of true, I know, but a part of me is just damn tired of waiting for myself to get past my excuses and actually start doing stuff. We’ll see how that goes.

Well. I also wrote this entry to procrastinate starting my essay, of which the outline and first two paragraphs are due this Friday. I swear, the work never stops, especially if you take GE Clusters. Thank God I don’t have to take Eng Comp 3 next quarter Maybe I should go work on that essay though… T_T

Holding Back

The more I think about it, and you, the more pissed off I get. I try to stop myself from having these thoughts, from thinking this way, but it’s so damn hard because there’s so much about it and about you that goes against my core values that define me as a person, that it’s just something I can’t continue to push aside and ignore.

I don’t really know what to do about it either, because in the same way that my core values define me, the traits in you that piss me off are what make up you, and I’m trying to understand that and be more open to it but it’s so damn hard sometimes because seeing you, or anyone, acting this way is like yanking incessantly at my last strand of self-restraint, making me cling to my tongue and wind myself and my opinions back inwards, grind my teeth and bear it because I am not you, and I cannot define you, no matter how much I wish I could help in doing so.

Disfunctional Title for my Disfunctional State

When did you last…
1. scrounge for change (couch, ashtray, ect) to make a purchase? Shortly before I left home home in MV
2. visit a dentist? Like 2 days before I came to LA, haha
3. make a needed change to your life? Last Friday, though I’m not sure how much is actually changing…
4. decide on a complete menu well in advance of the evening meal? Junior Prom 2008
5. spend part of the day (other than daily hygiene) totally/mostly naked? Never… when I was a baby?

I’m so tired. 5.5 hours of sleep. I neeeeddd moree. Especially if I’m supposed to celebrate the end of midterms (for now) with Jake tonight. I’m so tired though. I failed my math midterm I got a disappointing score on my timeline… *sigh* I don’t even know anymore. It was below the class average… yeah. Way to make me feel amazing. Overall though the last two days have been good. We’re watching Teach Me English in Korean class and it’s starting to get soooo cute omg they’re so cute together Hehe. You know dramas really do help your listening comprehension seriously like I have no problem understanding native Koreans or any Koreans for that matter, as long as I know the vocabularly that they’re speaking. Like speed is never a problem for me, at least not in Korean or Japanese. I am lameee hahaha.

Good bye I’m tired and disfunctional atm.

Midterm Madness

People never lie when they say that quarters go super fast. It’s already week 4 and I have my math midterm tomorrow and sort of had my Korean midterm today (which wasn’t bad at all, except for the extra credit which I know for sure I got wrong) and I have my rough draft of my essay for my cluster due on Friday (which I still need to finish, sadly ) but I realized in math discussion today that maybe I should really be freaking out about this! So I am now and I have been studying basically non-stop except for dinner tonight for my math midterm, which is tomorrow, and I still do not feel a little more reassured and I still am trying to figure out the best way to memorize how to take the derivative of an inverse function (okay… so I know I already learned this stuff, but it takes a while for it all to come back) and am basically in freak out mode right now. Plus I feel like I should read past just the first page of my cluster reading for Thursday so I don’t fall behind and Denise just spent like the past 2 hours reading and I’m not even sure if she’s done with it yet! Normally I would say, Oh okay I’ll just do it tomorrow, but my goal for tomorrow is to finish my rough draft, which would pile on a lot for tomorrow, but I guess that right now I know for sure that my main concern is this damned midterm that I have tomorrow and am currently (sort of, I mean, aside from this entry) studying my ass off for because I decided the night/day before that I should actually start studying! T_T

And can I just add as a sidenote that I hate it when people treat me as though I don’t have any work to do of my own? Because I do.

But yeah, ahhhhhhhh I need to do well on my midterm!!!! T_T Pray for me! T_T 아이구~~응~~~ㅋㅋ

내 습관

I need to stop eating chocolate, stop drinking soda, stop getting ice cream and diddy riese and pizookies, stop actually buying stuff from Bruin Café, stop sleeping so late, stop spending so much time on facebook, stop avoiding Tae Kwon Do, stop playing sudoku, and stop procrastinating. I’m sure that I’m forgetting something in there, but I think I pretty much covered most of the bases there.

So by tonight (I realize that this is already going against my I need to stop sleeping so late rule but oh well) I need to finish at least the Westernization part of my essay, reread the China reading, and finish the China reading that was for today’s lecture.

I need to stop thinking about all that I have to do and just do it, as well. Damn it. But that actually requires work >_<

For the Sake of My Sanity

I’ve been really testy lately, really grouchy, like this past week. I just keep getting annoyed with everyone and everything and it’s really weird because some of the people I thought I wouldn’t get tired of I am, and the people who I thought would get on my nerves first once I reached this mood aren’t really bothering me at all. I always feel even shittier afterwards, when I realize that what I just said was supremely bitchy, but I can never really get myself to stop either, because I really am genuinely annoyed and frustrated. I don’t know. Ugh. I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel like going anywhere or being with anyone but yay sucks for me cuz I don’t have a single. I just need to lock myself up in a room or something and get over whatever this is. I mean, I knew it was bound to happen. Maybe it’s just a lack of sleep. Maybe I just need some time to decompress, away from everyone else, and some people just don’t seem to freaking get it. I think that’s another point that just insists on driving me even further to my insanity. That some people just don’t GET that I can’t see a person every fucking day of my life and not get tired or pissed at them. I just can’t. Unless they’re family, in which case I’m comfortable with just telling them how it is and saying, “Stop that, you’re fucking annoying me” or whatever. I don’t know. It’s just a thousand times easier and it’s driving me insane because I just need to be alone. Please. For a day. Or two. So maybe Jake and Adam’s Life Sciences professor was right, about how we wouldn’t usually be nice to anyone we didn’t know unless we were somehow related to them…

Hm. I miss my family. Good thing they’re coming down tomorrow

Torn Between Two

I am torn between using my LJ and using my WP as my blog. I don’t know what to do anymore, lol. On one hand, I really like this blog. I like WP a lot – its layout and everything. But the layouts are so ugly. The ones on LJ are ugly too but it’s easy to get your own layout and customize it or whatever. Another thing about LJ is the friends only thing, which is nice, not because I’m paranoid but just because it’s nice to know who’s reading my LJ and who’s not, and I think for some reason that level of security makes it easier for me to write whatever the hell I want. Not that I don’t here as well, but I guess there will always be that level of unease when it comes to writing in a WP blog, because I feel like every word I post has to actually mean something so that people other than just myself might be interested in what I have to say.

See, I thought all of this up until now when I was looking at my blog, deciding that it was time to post an entry here saying that I had switched back over, and with a link leading back to my LJ, until I had this sudden urge to just write whatever. Here. Now. UCLA. Haha. That was clever, right?

I don’t know. So now I am just majorly confused and don’t know what to do. The one thing I do know is that I want to change this layout. And that I definitely should be sleeping right now, and I definitely was stupid in not listening to Richard tonight when he said I should have just bought my smoothie with a meal swipe because 1) free dinner 2m night, wtf was I thinking, 2) Wednesday night is free pizookie if you eat at BJs, again, what the hell was I thinking? and 3) I feel like there’s a high possibility I will not eat lunch tomorrow because I will just want to sleep until my alarm at 12:20 and will not have time for lunch. So yeah. I am stupid and Richard it’s all your fault for making me go with you to Bruin Caf! Haha. Just kidding, I know it’s mine =P

My plan is/was to finish my reading by tonight, except that it’s 3:35am and I still have 10 pages left to read (read: I only read 2 so far). So I don’t know what to do. Maybe I’ll just take it to bed and see how that goes. I basically spent all of my weekend sleeping, except for waking up to eat and do laundry. It’s amazing I got ANY work done at all, lol.

By the way, I love UCLA, since you’re going to ask, since everyone has been asking me. I guess I’ll continue loving it until my first essay is actually due, or maybe until I get my first essay/midterm grade back. I think that’s about the point when you should ask me how UCLA is. I might give you a more varied response.

(It’s funny because in tagging these entries, college still feels separate from school to me. I still have this urge to check college but not school, because I don’t really feel like the two are one yet. I still don’t know which to choose.)

College Life

Oh yes, I am enjoying college a lot, don’t get me wrong, but I’m not so sure about this whole reading 175 pages in one weekend kind of deal. That’s a bit much, to be honest. But surprisingly, I’m making my way through it all (I’ve got 110 pages under my belt so far). Some of it is actually pretty interesting – I enjoy learning about East Asia. But I guess my main concern is remembering this all, because I know I won’t. I can barely get all these terms straight from page to page, I hate to see myself by the time our final rolls around (because there will be no midterm, thank God). I don’t even really understand what we will be tested on, since the professor said that the book is just a good overview, but the details will come in lecture… but after reading the 100 pages assigned to that last lecture, it seemed more like the lecture was the overview. Seriously, how can 45 min beat 100 pages in details? It just can’t. So maybe it was more of a FYI kind of thing? Orrr maybe I’m just hoping, haha.

I know it sounds geeky but I’m pretty excited for math homework to come on Monday. Yay Calculus! Boo curved classes! Sucksssss to the extreme, especially since we don’t even get to know how we’re doing in relation to the rest of the class until the very end, when it’s too late. And UCLA-ers are so damn smart. And I so desperately need an A/A+ in that class because my major requires a B+ average, and my career path requires like a 3.7 GPA at minimum, or something around there, which is higher than an A- average, isn’t it?

I can see how easy it is to get distracted in college. Already, I have been. But maybe here’s where going to school with smart people who care about their schoolwork actually pays off. When your friends say, “I can’t hang out, I have to go study,” or “Let’s go to the library and read since our teacher didn’t show up for discussion,” it reminds you that you have work to do as well. Thank God for those people because without them, who knows what I would be doing, or what state my studies would be in. I’d be drowning in my 175 pages of material to read.